i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i think i have herpe
just one?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
