Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
ttyl tear gas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I supernannyed him into submission
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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