Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
