I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
