He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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