I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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