A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
