I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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