the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
