i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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