i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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