oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
