I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
