So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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