So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
