Your dad touched me again.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
