Even the bartender felt bad for me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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