I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
