remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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