a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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