I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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