I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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