Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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