last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
