Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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