I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
