last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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