Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
is wine microwaveable?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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