nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
