I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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