I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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