you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
