I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Pooping to opera.
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