I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
