Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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