If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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