There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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