My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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