i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
