Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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