lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
