You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
