I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
