if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
