My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
