You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
