I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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