I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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