I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
