you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
