You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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